Easter was just feeling really ordinary. Somehow the morning had gotten away from me a little bit. Getting to church on time is not something we do well in our home. My anxiety has often pushed us out the door on time in the past. Lately I’ve been trying to focus more on arriving at church together with harmony and happiness in our family, not with judgment seething across to the passenger seat (I’m driving) because we are seven and a half minutes later than I would prefer. That kind of thing makes a mark on a family.
That Easter was one of the days where I was succeeding at being calm even though we were late.
We can be together; we can be happy.
We can be late, but we are also loving and kind while we are late.
Keeping this kind of thought in my mind, while we are late? This is a win. For me, as ridiculous as it might sound, it is me trying to get better at keeping my Covenants. Striving to bring peace into my home, love and understanding into my marriage. Personal change is made in small movements and small steps. This is one of those small steps for me.
We were arriving just as the sacrament hymn started up. To make matters harder for me – I don’t enjoy singing very much any more. I always loved singing the hymns. It was actually one of the ways I tried to impress wife on our very first date. I sang all the parts in the hymn we were singing at a fireside. Well, maybe just Tenor and Bass, but I could have done all of them. Recently I was diagnosed with a seizure-like condition. Trying to sing when the temp is too slow makes me break out into mini seizures. I can explain later if you want to know more. But, singing has lost a lot of its luster for me.
But as we sat down I had an idea cross my mind – and idea to do something about spreading the gospel of Jesus to other people. I decided it must be a prompting, so I pulled out my cell phone and texted multiple work contacts and another friend who had moved from the ward but I can tell still needs love and friendship. I texted them messages of Happy Easter and included references to personal moments we had experienced together talking about Jesus and His Gospel. I tried to bring Jesus to Easter, not Candy to Easter. I was kind of distracted during the passing/taking of the sacrament, because I was finishing the texts and then I was thinking about my friends and about our previous discussions about religion, the Savior, the LDS faith, their faith, but also feeling a little vulnerable for putting thigs out there in a religious nature that hadn’t been requested. I knew it would be fine, but still, I was having a hard time moving past it. (IS that being distracted during the sacrament, though: thinking about an interaction I had just created with another human where I was bringing up a celebration of Jesus’ resurrection? Maybe this actually was a good thing to think about during the sacrament).
Then we shifted to the next part of the meeting, the talks. We had a talk from one of our Stake leaders. I was curious to hear his testimony of the resurrection of Jesus! Near the end of his talk he felt compelled to talk about Covenants. But instead of it being a message about keeping them, it was a message about violating them. He shared something very interesting from Dallin H. Oaks from October 2008 General Conference. On Saturday Morning, Oaks said multiple things about how to appropriately take the sacrament. The message in the scripture of a Broken Heart and a Contrite Spirit were not the subject of what I heard, though. The message I received was a message of how outward behavior is justification for receiving judgment from my leaders, even in how I eat a piece of bread and sit!
This is almost as good as the ads that follow me mercilessly on my YouTube feed. On YouTube and other media outlets I learn about all sorts of things that I do wrong: I tie my shoes the wrong way (granny knot vs square knot for the bow?); I use Chat GPT the wrong way (haven’t watched that one); I cook the wrong way; I exercise the wrong way; I try to lose weight the wrong way. (These aren’t motivational, FYI, if any of you are thinking about posting an ad or submitting an article to my favorite newspapers). What IS motivational? My oldest child taught me about this: We want to obey God because we know God loves us. Simple.
Sadly, I learned that I was violating my covenants in the very act of making them, according to Oaks and according to my Priesthood Leader. I didn’t get any grace allotted from then-Elder Oaks or my Priesthood Leader for following the Holy Ghost and connecting with others about the resurrection. I didn’t get any credit for working hard to make my marriage Covenant more efficacious in my life with my partner on the way to church that day. I didn’t get any allowance for standing up and leaving after the talk was done instead of screaming at the top of my lungs in the meeting even though I was sorely tempted. Instead, I got an assurance that I was doing something wrong, while I was at church, taking the sacrament and listening to a talk that was based in something that didn’t feel like love to me. I can’t even make covenants the right way? I must disagree.
How sad a state some of our leaders are in! Our tent is getting smaller because we are focusing more on outward behaviors that make leaders feel comfortable that they are doing their job. A higher percentage of people are in line because people keep leaving the tent! What can we focus on instead? Smiling. Bearing testimony of Christ’s love and power. Expressing why celebrating why the resurrection, and celebrating the resurrection of Jesus, is important. Finding reasons to assume the best of someone’s behavior that may look like covenant-breaking to you but might even be covenant-keeping for them. We should be TRUSTING that people actually are doing their best and reminding ourselves that even though we can see others’ flaws very easily, they can see our flaws very easily, too.
So let us be kind.
Mormon Means Change 